Ain’t no sunshine when he’s gone…

So to continue yesterday’s story.. now that I can…

We went to the park. And the sun came out for us.. the only time all day it did so. When we left, the sky clouded over and it began to rain. Again. It was a long drive into town to the vet, and a far too-short of a wait before it was “time”.

Jack was so brave. He sniffed around until the end.. and sat in my lap before his time came. It was over so quickly. He died in Kate’s arms and looking into my eyes.. I saw the light leave his. It was only a matter of seconds, and it will likely haunt me to the end of MY days. The vet was very kind and compassionate.. this was not her first time even that day she had to do this. I marvel at how someone in that job can remain so strong.

We brought him home in the rain, another infinite-seeming trip back to the house, his little body cradled in the backseat of my truck by a blue batik funeral shroud we once used as a table cover in my old tattoo shop back in Indiana. He waited there patiently as we began to dig his grave. We were served well by God in that the sun was not hot and shining, and the rain held off again until we were all done with his service. We tucked him in on a bed of straw and hay, and buried him with his bone and his treat cong. Somehow we found the strength to dig a 3′ deep grave in bad clay.. seems practically impossible now.

Today was the first time in nine years that Jack did not wake me up in the morning to say “Hello” with his wet nose against my had and a wiggle of the tail. It is just as hard today as it was yesterday, and I expect tomorrow I will fare no better.

I just spoke to a good friend from years back who was also an animal person. She had in the last few years experienced the exact health failures of her special dog. She cannot fathom getting another one.. there really is no replacing an animal this special. We will just have to see how Bertha gets along without Jack.. they have never been apart since the day she was brought home.

Today she lays around in a mope.. I feel bad watching her. And her behavior is changing. for almost 8 years, we could only get her to shake our hand after a LOT of prompting. Today, when I asked her to shake, she thrust her little paw forward right into my hand with emphasis. For the first time ever. I think she knows what happened, and is determined to fill the void that Jack left. What a sweetheart.

The sun once again shines today, and the sky is blue and beautiful. We will go to the park, Bertha and I, and try to shake out what is bothering both of us the best we can.

And I swear, when I woke up today, I heard the bedroom door get pushed open… but no one was there. Bertha laid beside me asleep, but there the door was. Open.

Jack- Get some rest, little buddy, you deserve it more than anyone in this world. I love you so much, it hurts. And always have. – Daddy

Beautiful friend

Sun is shining outside. Beautiful temperature, beautiful blue sky. Like the day he came into my life, he laid last night with his butt touching my side, and his head on my wife’s leg. He sighed big and slept well as can be expected.

 He is exhausted and in pain. We took him to the vet this morning, his numbers were worse than ever. It IS time. We are taking him to his favorite park with Bertha one last time, he loves the park more than anything. After that we go back to the vet for.. the end. Gonna bury him under the “miracle tree” my Mom made live with one final act at home.

 That story is for another day. Let’s just say I have witnessed at least two real bonafide miracles in my life that she performed. Sainthood, in my mind, has been assured for her long before now. Jack goes home in.. about 2 hours. Mom, with her amputated legs and health restored in heavenly grace, finally gets to walk her dog for the first time. I am envious. I hope for the chance to walk him with her, someday.

On The Road, Off the Rails

I tried really hard. I DID. I gave it the supreme effort, and it came up lacking.

I am speaking of the book “On the Road” by Kerouac. What a waste of wood pulp. This will likely incense the hippie-types I know, but then again, as far as I know only a few people read this blog, and none of them are my hippie friends.

The thing is, I cannot even look back at the most irresponsible point in my life and say “Yeah, I identify with this.” Brief Synopsis (Spoiler Alert) : Kerouac is known as Sal Paradise. He writes about some traveling back and forth between 4 known locations: New York, Denver, San Francisco, and New Orleans. He rides the rails, hitches rides, borrows money and is generally one of the least likeable main characters of any story I have ever read. He spends his time mostly in pursuit of one Dean Moriarty, who he worships like a messiah and loves more than himself.

Now, you have to ask, why even like this man? He spends three quarters of the book trying to have one conversation with him, and meanwhile Dean (based on Neil Cassady) is basically chasing his dick around the country, getting wasted and generally acting like a jackass. He is guilty of theft, lying, domestic abuse.. you name it. The guy is a really tasty pick. And Sal just loves him, and constantly obsesses over him.

Now, I have read the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, and some of my biggest counter-culture heroes are Ken Kesey, Bob Weir, Jerry Garcia and Mountain Girl. They all loved the REAL Moriarty (aka Cassady) like he was a great guy. If Kerouac’s writings are even one quarter true, he is as far from great as my opinion will allow me to portray. 

But back to the book. I really thought for a while it might be going somewhere. IT NEVER DOES. It’s just Sal batting back and forth between locations, trying to scrap some money together, trying to make a girl, and eventually hooking up with Moriarty and having what he terms “The trip of his life”on several occasions.. but there is no evidence to support that sentiment. It goes something like this:

“Dean and Marlou and I were going across the country. We were driving 80 miles an hour, stopped in a small town and Dean met a jazz musician and we got some whiskey. He and Mary Lou, who Dean believes is a whore, started having sex while I took a nap. I was thinking I was getting tired of Dean, but I could not do anything but observe what crazy thing he would do next. Then we traveled to San Francisco, where I tried to find a job and make a girl, while Dean jumped a train and left Mary Lou and I behind. With Dean gone, Marylou wanted nothing to do with me. I felt it was time to go back to New York. I am hungry.” etc etc etc

It has no composition.. no point. I understand the stream-of-consciousness style of writing, but even when I am trying to make something up off the cuf, like when I run a roleplaying game, I have the most basic outline. It appears Kerouac had nothing, and just wrote to be writing, drunk and drugged to the gills, smoking his pipe, and generally being haywire crazy.

The idea of being on the road DOES appeal to me, but if you are going to tell a story, man, make sure it has SOME kind of point.

So much for a book that defined a generation. The same generation that is now wearing depends, taking Viagara, driving mid-life-crisis-mobiles and  genrally sucking up the good air, and their kids, too. If this novel defined who the Boomers are, its no wonder there is so many dipshits in that group. I never thought a concert going former pot head, wildman rager like myself would say this, but here goes: Grow up, the world owes you nothing, Boomers. 50-60 year old women wearing fairy wings at concerts, wanting kindness from strangers in the form of drugs and food, that shit just doesn’t fly with me anymore. If you want a book to be a paradigm, On the Road will teach you how to be the least responsible bottom feeded in short order.

I was just not impressed, and sadly, I begin to see where the supposed romanticism of this novel led part of an entire generation: Down a blind alley with no hope of turning around.

Because there is just not enough time..

Short and not so sweet. After getting absolutely no sleep from immense back pain last night, I finally dozed off about an hour before I needed to wake. What’s worse? Getting no sleep or getting one hour of sleep? I am groggy, confused, befuddled, and I just don’t have any time today.

Jack update – The little beast is fighting me on everything. He shivered so hard today while trying to give him his IV that his tight muscles were not allowing fluid to drain under his skin. He would not eat anything, no liver sausage – nothing. I was forced to crush up his pills and shoot them down his throat with liquid in a syringe. Then I get the look of death. Well.. duh! Little dog, if you would just eat the good stinky meat we bought for you, I would not have to pry your mouth open and squirt bad tasting pharmies down your throat.

He ate very little yesterday.. and is unfortunately starting to look like a skeleton wearing a dog suit. The medicines we are giving him are supposed to help with nausea and stomach pain, so the whole “bile puke” thing has ended a few days back.. but he still is not eating very well.. mostly he lays around and gives dirty looks. To everyone.

To top it all off, I have to go to work earlier today AND stop at the vet before hand to get him more fluids. Which I really don’t have the money for right now.

I am just beat. I know it sounds like a lot of bitching on my end, because I love that little dog and want him to stick around unless he is in bad pain… and he is not. But I have a limit, and we are approaching it. If just ONE THING were different today, it would be easy for me to handle. Now I go get to put 8 hours in a greasy, hot kitchen.. relegated to making salads, washing dishes, and cleaning up everything the other slobs drop all over the floor.

This must be what they meant by living “The High Life”.

I just need to shine it on until Christmas so I can finish paying off my bills, and hopefully by then, they will have hired some new sort of slave labor to replace the crap I have to do for now. I signed up to be a cook… I have cooked 3 meals in 2 days. (Our of some 400 or so that came through.) I feel like I am learning nothing, but I can make a salad with my eyes closed.

 Whoopee.

Someone is coming to pick up my Indy Pace Car today to take it to the new owner in Michigan. I cannot even be here when it gets picked up, so I have to leave the keys in the ignition and the door unlocked. Luckily it does not start, so I am not worried about it being stolen.. only some neighhborhood kid messing with it or taking something out of the cabin. Thats the risk you take I guess. It would be much easier if the person who is getting it had come when they originally said they would.. but apparently their boss is a dick too. (Hey, looks like everyone has one of those…) His schedule got changed.. no way to explain, I guess, that I made special arrangements with my boss to get this done.

Thats life. Suck it up, or get in the box.

Gotta go, no time for real thoughts on a page, I guess.

Bread and Circuses

So long as we have something to distract us, we will not notice what is hurting us. Those who regularly participate in the political arena might use this as a time to advocate for criticism against the President. Quite the opposite, I have to say I totally agree with what he has been doing for our country lately.

The Washington Hate Machine (aka the GOP and tea-party) have ramped up rhetoric to toxic levels. If it were only based on the flaws in the man’s presidency, they would not have nearly enough to fill their slate of time for criticism. So insults rule the day, and the poor ignorant fools in our country, desperately clinging to hateful ways, perpetuate lies and rumors as an indictment of a man who is doing way better than the other guy in 2008 could have.

For one, he did not take his eyes of the prize… removing violent terrorists, including Bin Laden, from the world and effectively making us all safer. We hear a lot of lip service to that effect during he last president’s “reign of terror”, but ultimately, he trusted these duties to warlords and half-clothed soldiers in different countries. Yet no body questioned Bush’s intentions toward terrorists.. it was obvious he was “Tough on them.” But really, he was merely put on the dog and pony show his base loved so well, keeping them happy with tough talk and inaction.

Our sitting president has made sure that terrorists, wherever they hide, will not feel safe in leadership positions. You know, the cowards that send OTHER people to blow themselves up? Since they won’t do the dirty work themselves, I think it’s rather commendable that ’44’ is making sure they still blow up through other means. Is this not alone the only reason so many trusted Bush, and he never delivered? Yet Obama is following through on our duty to destroy those who would try to kill us, and he is portrayed by the right as anything negative and nothing positive.

I have my criticisms of the president too. He really dropped the ball on jobs.. I understand where his heart is with Health Care. When my mom died on New Years day, 2003, and saw the gigantic health care bills incurred, I myself said “There has to be a better way.” He too went through that in his family.. there is no way to put a price on health and happiness and it is definitely something that needed fixing. And I hate to say it needed to wait.. it did not. But what needed to happen was ideas that were easily criticized should have been vetted and removed so the bill was so clean that the Republicans had no choice not only to not denounce it, but to commend it.

So now we have a party (The GOP) that is refusing to help govern, although that’s what they were elected to do, until “Their Guy” is in office. Because 6 years of pork barrel bill signing without a single veto for their pet projects is the way they are used to having thing. Because with a Democrat in office, they are forced to compromise or get that veto. We all know they do not want to do that.

For a long time, I tried to look at it from a neutral position. However, for 2.5 years, the only thing Republicans in the house have done is spew hatred and lies toward our president in hopes of making him so criticized for being critical’s sake, that the American People will buy their BS and just get rid of someone who is publicly under fire. I challenge anyone in the GOP to prove their criticisms of the man, which are unfair and I see as lies. He is not a Muslim, and he is not a Socialist any more than you or I. (If you feel we were at least somewhat socialist in nature before he arrived, I challenge you to explain Social Security, Disability,  Unemployment, Welfare as being only Capitalist in nature.)   All programs that were in place before he was born.

He is not the antichrist.. although the bible-thumping laden Republican party would like nothing more.. not that they believe he is going to bring about the Rapture, but because they just want him out of office.

He’s a smart, well spoken man with a funny name and dark skin. Thats enough for most on the right to not trust him at the least, to want to see his head on a plate at the most. I despise covert racists.. in that respect, the Klan is at least more respectable than most Tea Partiers, because they are not afraid to admit what motivates them. Clandestine racists are by far more slippery and despicable, because they will use every “I’m not a racist” excuse in the book.

My favorite of late is to bring up the Democrats who were segregationists of late from the 50s and 60s in the south. What they don’t like is when you bring up the exodus from the Democrat party to the Republican party, where most conservatives now hang their hats. A vote is a vote, people, and you will not find any GOP politicians refusing one, no matter where they come from. Still, they want to bring up 50-60 year old arguments to explain their opposition to today’s president.

My favorite president ever was Lincoln, for good and bad reasons. He was never just “Old honest Abe freeing slaves and leading our country through its hardest times..” The man is more complex than any public school text would ever give him credit for. His views on Civil Rights were far from King’s a hundred years later, but if they were both alive today, they would be Democrat, or at least independent. King was a Republican in the South when Democrats were segregationists. Its true. But since real racial tensions in the south now come from converts to the Republican party, I am not so sure he would remain one. Lincoln as well, would not like the BS the south and their conservative racist hatchet men are trying to pull on our sitting president. Both men would recognize the unfair criticisms for what they are: hatchet jobs.

Still, it must be awful entertaining for those many in the south who a hundred and fifty years later still harbor anti-north, anti-black, and anti-union sentiments. Entertaining indeed to watch the black man in charge have to squirm on camera because half the country was opposed to him before one piece of policy was created. The first Tea Party rally happened in July of 2009, a “full 6 months” after his swearing in . It FORMED in February. So, not even a whole month after Obama took office, there were people thinking he was the Devil himself for just being president.

The Tea Party,a one-time grassroots movement that concentrated on government spending has been literally inundated with the religious right, who did not want to see the train leaving the station without the Jesus freaks. The Tea Party is not what it was even a year ago, and most scary indeed, it has changed to something even worse – A party of theocrats and their altar children. Religion has always been a private matter to me and should be for everyone.. anyone who runs that wants tp outlaw porno and “Pray away the gay” is not going to be an appropriate leader for a country with supposed religious freedoms. It won’t be long before all non-evangelicals have to go underground for fear of reprisal for their own religious ideas. The founding fathers would be shitting their pants over circus freaks like Bachman and Perry. I believe they would like Ron Paul a lot, however. At least Jefferson.

But it goes back further. The McCain election rallies were filled with these fearful, backwards, middle-aged and old white people yelling “Terrorist” and “Muslim” at the rallies, a moniker McCain supposedly tried to ineffectually refute, and Palin reveled in and did not “refutiate” at all. In the end, that woman can blame herself for losing the election thinking that outside of Alaska you can get elected just by being perky and winging it. Welcome to the CONUS, where many of us consider having smarts a prerequisite to public office. Not all of us, mind you, as the 2000 election proved, especially in Florida.

Still, its disheartening to see so much momentum lost after the 2008 election, due to apathy and laziness. The Republicans are motivated and greedy, they are going to vote, every time. Until the time comes that Democrats are just as motivated, the only victories, politically, will come during General Election years. Mid terms really need more participation from (D) voters, especially the youth movement that got Obama elected in 2008 to begin with. You just can’t give up and hope the man IS superman. He’s not, and he still needs voter help.

Other than Health Care, I cannot see honestly where the man botched so badly. He did not create the recession, he saved us from a depression with quick action. The Republican supporters like to say the Stimulus “failed” but we will never know how bad it would be if it had not been implemented. I got my money in the mail and spent it. It succeeded here.. not sure what you GOPers did with your tax refunds.

Increasingly, by day, I am becoming more left leaning. I blame the unfairness, criticisms, and outright lies of people on the right toward the President moving me in that direction. Why would I want to be in “their group” with tactics such as that? Why would I want to associate with the bulk of the hateful people in this country. I can be wrong, I just try to do it with a smile. They feel thay cannot be wrong, and when they are, they get nasty.

I have some conservative friends who are riding the Tea Party tip. Thats fine.. we can still be friends. But I don’t put up with the dogma in my presence. If they want to be my buddy, they can speak to the issues, not the lies. Obama was born in Hawaii, He attended a Christian Church (with a crazy ass pasture to be sure, but which one isn’t?), is not the Anti Christ, and is not a base socialist. Those that hang with me better have more than a few sound bites to try to prove that.

The next guy, if there is one, is going to be no better and will have the full ire of the Democrats in every unfair way possible. It will be four more years of the same, and the pendulum will swing the other way. Again. And in the meantime the fate of our country goes further into the toilet because argument and inaction is superior to compromise and improvement. You and I, the average people, will be content with our own lives. “Happy to have what we got” while corporations get protection from the GOP and the wealthy have insanely low capital gains tax rates. We will watch TV, passing the time for something better to come along. We will spend as little as possible based on economic fears, and the economy will continue to downspiral. But we will have our Bread and Circuses to keep us happy, and keep electing politicians who give lip service to doing whats right, and upon arrival to Washington, do nothing of the sort.

By the way, there is a rumor jobs are not being created or offered under Obama. This week, not only did I start a new job, but I was offered three more. I don’t know if that’s indicative of the whole economy or just anecdotal evidence… but at least in my case, the money is flowing down. Ok, trickling… Reagan would be proud.

Let’s save our indictments of the sitting president for things he has actually done wrong. He created a health care bill that Republicans hated, and did not kiss their ass so they could have it their way. Boehner, part of the minority, knew that he only needed to oppose and eventually it would look like failure, and garner more support. And we fell for it.

Maybe its time for Barrack to start pointing fingers, and saying “You Motherfuckers disgust me.” They have not played nice for a long time, I don’t know why he insists on doing the same.

Anyhow, he has my support and needs yours in the upcoming.. unless we want the “Age of Bush pt 2” to come upon us, with an even more brain-dead leader than “Dubya” in office.

When experience means something..

About a year ago, our local veterinary clinic had an exodus of employees, with the exception of the owner/main guy. We were not sure what happened, but we did hear that they were opening a new clinic kind of far away. That was a shame, we could not drive an hour to care for our dogs, and we figured the new people the Vet got in were competent.

But then when this business began with Jack, we started to notice that some things were just wrong. The first indicator was when I first took him in for tests. We had an 8am appointment, and did not even see the veterinarian for an hour and fifteen minutes. Finally, when he came in, it was a young new guy I have never met before and an even younger assistant. He took Jack’s blood and told us it would be about fifteen minutes before we got the results. An hour passed and we still did not have them. Then, in the same room, a raucous laugh fest of high school proportions breaks out over someone’s purse or something. Just a really trivial matter that resulted in tons of laughter.

While stull chuckling, the new vet guy brings in the test results, and lays them on me. My dog has renal failure. Wow, sure glad it was such a laughing matter to him.. I did not find it funny at all. In fact, it took about all I had not to knock the guy down. Like previoulsy mentioned, I am working on my temper, but I am not out of the woods on that myself. Ten years ago he would have been bleeding from the mouth after that.

So, needless to say, I could no longer go back to that vet. Kate took over checkup duties with him. We kept getting the same patented message at the end of each visit.. “Call us for anything, anytime if you feel its important.” Sure, but what they did not say is they would call back. All week my wife played phone tag with a perky, yet condescending, receptionist who was also new. We never got the calls back on his test results we were waiting for, and this morning she literally had to go into the Vet and demand them. The man who did his initial exam could not even make eye contact with her.

Something else happened in serendipity manner. With some investigation, we found the people who left his practice did not in fact open a clinic far away, but actually quite near. We have now transferred to the new Vet, and took Jack in for an exam this morning. The prognosis was much more in depth.. and informative. Questions we had did not even need to be asked.. they covered it. (Unlike the last vet which required a pry-bar to get any info out of.)

Jack’s condition is looking up some. We have new medicines, including a medicinal IV that will help his poor tummy when it it hurting. So no worries about trying to get medicine in his stomach that he has to eat.. because he has not been eating, it has been impossible to get that medicine in him. And he was spiralling downward fast.

Today he ate some pork chopped finely after being boiled and some rice. He loved it.. I still could not get him to touch the powder medicine that is for his kidney health.. but by now he might have some powerful association with that and being sick. Its going to probably be a syringe down the back of the throat with that stuff, as well as his medication daily. He is going to hate me by the time we are done.

It really bothers me that the first vet that we have been going to for years had a complete turn over in his office. It bothers me more that everyone he hired looked fresh out of high school. And it bothered my wife the most that the vet had to show the young assistant girl how to hold the dog while blood was being drawn. We are not paying $120 for a vet visit to give her an internship. In the end, we no longer trust their experience or their ability. We needed this switch for our peace of mind, in addition to our dog’s continuing health.

The old “new” vet remembered our dogs from an incident involving our beagle and an emergency hurt leg incident from two years back. That was an immediate positive sign that someone who cares is now in charge of my dog’s medical care again. Pardon my french, but Fuck the people at the other clinic.. they were giving us the minimum and charging the maximum. There is no doubt in my mind had we not made this switch, that Jack would not last much longer and be in pain. As it stands right now, he does seem a little agitated, but he has an appetite (for human food at least) and for two days now he has not thrown up… and nothing from our former clnic really to thank for it.

If you want to know the name of the bad vet in Wilmington OH, contact me privately.

My little buddy looks like he MIGHT be getting better, keep those toes crossed.

In other news, I am now a line “chef” at the local high end hotel and restaurant  kitchen. I start an orientation at 4pm tomorrow.. which gives me plenty of time before I leave to wrestle with Jack’s finicky eating habits. Here too, experience mattered, and I am happy that twice in the past I have cooked at other restaurants. It helped. My wife’s association with the farmer’s market probably had a lot to do with me getting hired, but ultimately it was just great timing.. I rolled in to fill out an application just when they were starting to get desperate to fill the position.

Luck, it would seem, is once again on my side. For now.

Packers and Proud of my Puppy

I am such a homer. I just love the Green Bay Packers, they bring me joy where many things I have actual control over do not. Or do I have control?

After last night being very hard with Jack the Dog.. I slept in from 6am to about 130pm. Normally, this does not happen.. but since I only get to sleep in bed one night a week due to insomnia, my body took advantage and hopefully got caught up. I dreamed about the Packers. Being on the team. Getting to play for the most storied franchise in football history. I was a blocking Tight End, not much glory, but an important job. I put the team on my back and we had victory. And then I woke up, late for the beginning of the actual game.

I rushed into the living room and took care of priorities. Made sure the dog had his proper care, and got my coffee poured. Then, since I do not have cable and the game is not local, I scanned all the streaming sources on line and could only find an HD stream.. lagging like playing World of Warcraft on a 386. I mean I was getting about 7 frames a minute… it was ridiculous. Rodgers would drop back to pass on first down, and I would lag until the punt. It was really bad.

I turned on the game to a 10-0 defecit. The World Champions were losing to the worst team in the league last year. Clearly, I thought, they needed their #1 fan to root them on to victory. So I put on my Charles Woodson jersey and sat down to the streaming “chop-fest” that I had access to. Right away, my “magic”  began to work. Woodson had an incredible day. Two interceptions and a fumble recovery and also 5 tackles. This is a far cry from his highlights last week, which consisted of a personal foul uppercut. The man still has it, he just had to get his feet wet.

Soon enough, my team began to win. And eventually won the game by a touchdown. All was right in Titletown, and little Titletown pockets all over the country including the one here in the Miami Valley. Even Jack the Dog, who is usually nervous on Gameday, enjoyed his morning and ate several times in small amounts, and “helped” me cheer on the guys in Green .. and has yet to throw up. This is a positive sign, we are waiting for more of them. He goes to a new Vet tomorrow for second opinions. Poor little guy has lost weight again, and his skin is a bit saggier than it was a few weeks back… looks like he is wearing a suit two sizes too large. He is happy, however,  and wagging that little stumpy tail of his today. He is currently at his favorite park dragging willy nilly on the leash. I could not go due to personal pain.. but that is secondary right now. At least for today with a Packers victory and a dog eating his food, all is right in the world.

Good thing I put that Jersey on.

Sappy Sans Supper

It’s unfortunate that I need to begin this web log on such a low note. My best friend in this world, Jack The Dog, is doggone sick and not doing well at all. He has renal failure, and is now barely eating. And what he does eat usually ends back up on the carpet.

He’s almost ten years old, and is a kennel dog we got in December of 2002. He was a mere pup then, about 14 pounds and a ball of energy. He was never even meant to be my dog, but after some unforseen events, there was nobody in the world he was more meant for THAN me.  Jack grew up in the wilds of North Judson, IN. He was an abandoned dog, as near as we can figure he came from someone who thought they were getting pureblood Jack Russels, and found out Papa was a Rolling Stone Beagle.

Originaly, he was intended as a gift for my mother. She too was very ill, and recently had both legs amputated in hopes of saving her life. Mom had an allergic reaction to a blood thinner callep Heprin, and as a diabetic, could not heal the damage it had done to her legs. And in December of 2002, the prognosis was favorable. She survived surgery, and now she was going to be spending time in a nursing home for recovery. She was out of the woods. Or so they thought.

So that’s where Jack came in. She needed a friend. Our family was busy and nobody was going to be with Mom all day, so she could have some extra company to keep her happy in the form of a sweet, cuddly puppy. We found him originally online, and he was just the cutest little guy, with his nose all big against the camera lens, larger than the rest of his foreshortened body. Coincidently, a woman at my Father’s place of employment had also seen his picture and thought he should be checked out.

That week, a new member of my family, and my Mom’s soon to be best friend came home for the first time. He was a ball of fire. He escaped three times on the first day, showing us where all the holes in the fence were. He ran in circles around the living room, trying to eat my Niece’s bracelets, then jumping in my lap, and peeing on the corner of the couch. He was a bad, bad dog that first day.

At my father’s insistance, he was to sleep in his cage at night. That lasted for about..ohh.. 3 hours. My Wife came home from her job and immediately came to our house to see the new dog. He greeted her by standing up on his back legs and walking backwards, his front legs hanging “T-Rex” style. In the years to come, this was known as “Circus-Dogging.” He was a nervous wreck, spending so much time in kennels, and wanted a warm lap and a friend. He found that in my wife. Later that evening, as we were tired and laid down in bed, he jumped in as well. He put his head on her stomach, and his butt against my side and let out the biggest sigh I have ever heard. And then slept and slept and slept.

The next day was his big day, he was taken to the nursing home where my Mom was recovering to meet her. He jumped on the bed to be petted, and although weak, my mom was very pleased. She petted Jack and enjoyed his company, afterward my Father brought Jack back home. This was on December 23rd. Later that day, my Mom began feeling very ill and felt a burning in her lower abdomen. So they took her to the hospital, and we knew she would be there over Christmas. It did not matter, we would bring Christmas dinner to her.

All morning on Christmas, I labored to make her the best Christmas Dinner she had ever tasted. Meanwhile, the doctors and nurses were taking all day poking her and prodding her with needles and taking tests to find out what was up. Later that evening, I brought her dinner. Although she was not hungry, she ate at least a bit of everything… complimenting me on the items I nailed, giving me tips on things that needed improvement. She smiled at her family gathered round, I played her some guitar which I had been doing for her for the last month any chance I could. Dad showed up late, and he stayed with her a while after most of us had gone. Soon a doctor came in to talk, and I also tool my leave and headed back home after kissing her goodnight and promising her next Christmas was going to be better.

I got home and let the dog out to romp and play when the phone rang. It was my mother, who I was with 20 scant minutes before, and she was upset because my Dad was leaving and did not want to be alone “considering”… Considering what? I had no idea. She sounded like she wanted to give up, and I would not have any of that talk.. telling her that she needed to remain strong mentally, and the physical strength would be returning soon enough. I noted that Dad had left, but I did not know what the big deal was about her being alone that night.

About a half hour later, while my wife and I played with Jack the Dog, my Dad came in and his face was ashen. Upon inquiry, he informed us the Doctors had found infection in her lower torso, and had gone too long for medicines alone to fix. They felt it would be possible for her to live longer if the .. removed her lower torso. Mom did not want that.. she could deal with having stumps (a word she instantly disliked after her surgery) but she would not have that quality of life. She had chosen to refuse any more medication starting Christmas Night, 2002. She knew she was going to die, and THATS why she did not want to be alone.

Of course, I could have KILLED my father for leaving right after that announcement. Where was the promise he had made to be with her til the end, and then he walks away right after the worst news in the world had been revealed to her? So I made him go back up and spend more time with her, as was HIS JOB as a husband. If he missed work for the first time in 40 years, so be it. Grudgingly he gave up, grabbed some toiletries, and went back to be with her. Jack the Dog could not understand the tears and the hurt feelings, but there he was trying to comfort me and sit in my lap and give me stinky kisses.

Over the next week, the death watch was on. She was cognizant for 3 or 4 days, but eventually gained a more vegetative state. She asked me before slipping into that state, what she should do. I told her to relax, and let the songs I sing take her to a better place. I played her music I felt was appropriate, and what others in my family became pretty angry over. I told her there was a fountain that was not made by the hands of men, and a road, no simple highway between the dawn and dark of night. And if she went, no one may follow, for that path was for her alone. She never said another word to almost anyone after that. Almost anyone.

 Her eyes were open, but she could no longer communicate. She knew when you were there, and would hold your hand and squeeze it, raise her eyebrows in pleasure when you told her you loved her. She would stare with concern if you talked to her about important matters, and would look relieved when the outcome was positive. I was with her every day, and thankfully, Dad took time off so he could be as well.

New Years morning, after feeding Jack The Dog, I headed up to hospice care, where her best friend Bonnie had arranged to be her private nurse. Insurance would not pay, but since the room was unoccupied, Bonnie made sure everyone looked the other way. When I had arrived, her eyes darted to the door as I walked through. Her eyes, always piercing Ice Blue, never left me the whole time I was there. She looked.. mad to see me. I think I had interrupted something.. my Dad was being quiet, too. Conspiratorially quiet. I spent about an hour and a half with her in the morning, I held her hand, told her I loved her, kissed her forehead and played her music. Her breathing was labored but steady. I told my Dad I had not slept all night. He begged me to go home and get some sleep and that I could come back in a few hours. I relented.. I needed rest, I had not been to sleep but maybe 6 hours for the entire week.

So I left. Instead of going home, I decided to go drink coffee at a nearby restaurant. I drank my coffee and slid some eggs and bacon around on my plate.. but never ate anything. I got a doggie bag for my new little buddy, and took the food back to our house. I had just pulled the bacon from the bag and handed it to Jack the Dog, when the phone rang. I knew what was about to happen when I picked up that phone. I did it anyway. Dad was on the other end of the line.. “She’s gone son.. she waited for you to leave.. and she’s gone.”

I was HOT. Isn’t that JUST LIKE HER.. to leave me out of that moment, but none of the hurt that was to follow. I told my father I would be returning within fifteen minutes, and hung up the phone. Jack was licking the bacon grease from my fingers, and then stopped. He looked up and cocked his head at me. Jack the Dog could not understand the tears and the hurt feelings, but there he was trying to comfort me and sit in my lap and give me stinky kisses.

I put him away after considerable bawling, and got in my car and returned to the nursing home hospice room. I arrived just in time to see her best friend removing her feeding tube and IV, her nose tubes. Dad and I sat and bore witness to the woman through tears removing the last vestiges of the technology that was keeping her with us in this world. Within 5 minutes, the Women of the Moose showed up, hoping to bestow her with an award she had won in life. They were a half hour too late, she never saw her “Green Cap” for volunteer work she had done. The ceremony happened anyway, and she was awarded it posthumously. Again I was angry.. how dare they honor her only after her death, when she so deserved recognition in life?!

Next came the coroner, with a gurney and body bag. This, neither I nor my father could bear to witness, and we waited in the hall until he had finished his job. And then we escorted her to the ambulance where they would take her to wherever bodies go before they reach the funeral home. On our way oyut of the hospice, my father reveals to me that through supreme effort, my mother was able to speak before she died. Her last words to him, her only words in days.. were “Don’t make that dog mean.”

 There was nothing for us to do but go home and begin making final arrangements. My father wanted me to get a suit for the funeral, so my brother and I went suit shopping on New Years day. You would be surprised how many clothiers ARE open on that holiday. We could not find one that fit and also looked nice. It was a waste of time.

I returned to the house, filled with people I knew but normally did not see. There were aunts and uncles and cousins.. and they were dividing up my Mom’s possessions. Why? She literally was not cold or in the ground yet, and there they were going through her jewlery like vultures. I screamed. The party had ended. How dare they? Get out! I threw my keys down the hallway, stormed after them, and after losing my temper did not come back out of my room for the rest of the day. When I did return, only my wife was left. She told me I scared the bejeezus out of everyone, who little did I know, were merely following my mothers wishes to divide her possessions up to those she wanted to have them, including me. I figured it to just be a free-for-all. I was wrong.

The funeral came and went with a certain amount of disrespect for my mother. I found no solace in anything, and spent much of my time sleeping. Jack was happy to be my Teddy Bear as I held him tight to my chest and slept for the next four months, often crying myself to sleep over the loss of my mom, my best friend. Jack the Dog could not understand the tears and the hurt feelings, but there he was trying to comfort me and sit in my lap and give me stinky kisses.

Time moved forward and the pain diminshed some. There are nights, including this one, where I need to let the tears out because I miss her so. Nine years have passed and so much has changed. I used that diamond engagement ring my mother willed to me that I saw the so called “Vultures” divvying up… I married my girl who is now my wife. I knew she was the right one because she was the only girl I ever brought around that Mom liked. Thats something right there.

And more had changed. We made a new life together, and who was coming along for the ride? You guessed it, Jack the Dog. We were partners in crime, getting fat together as we made our new life in Ohio. Me, the wife, and the dog. Eventually we even got Jack a little friend named Bertha.. a bad bad bad Beagle who pushes him around and keeps him in line. She has never spent a day without Jack in her life, and though she is sometimes mean to him, he shares his food with her and they often lay together in a cute little dogpile.

Jack is the “Woody Allen of Dogs” … he is always worried, and I give him plenty of reason to be worried. I am often explosive and foul tempered. In fact, I would say he has witnesses some of the hardest most stressful years of my life. He will run away and hide any time I get mad or raise my voice, and I would always have to convince him everthing was ok, the problem is always mine, and he’s a good boy. Often times while upset and crying. Jack the Dog could not understand the tears and the hurt feelings, but there he was trying to comfort me and sit in my lap and give me stinky kisses.

I only bring up his nerves because this year we began camping, and we discovered Jack the Dog does not really like that so much. As he is frightened of everything, he often prefers to just be laying on the couch and chillin’. Taking him out of his element scares him badly, and gives him the shakes. Indeed, children at campgrounds frighten him the most. They give me the heeby-jeebies as well. One on a bicycle with a bell nearly gave him a heart attack back in May.. it took two days for him to eat again after that trip.

Recently we took another camping trip, it was quieter. We literally climbed a mountain all the way to the top with him and Bertha tagging along. It was too hot and too tall, but we did it. Jack laid on top of a big rock and cooled his belly on the way back down the hill, but to his credit, he made it. The children running around were once again scaring him, and he refused to eat any food on the trip. Typical, we thought, he should get back home and everything should be fine.

But everything was not fine. More and more, Jack the Dog began refusing food even days after returning. We figured maybe he has a bad tooth, and he did not seem in too much pain, so we put off taking him to the vet for a few weeks. Maybe that was not a good idea. More and more, he began refusing to eat. So we were buying him wet food, which he ate some, but not with the gusto he used to. The Vet trip could not be put off any longer. This was two weeks ago.

After a long wait and a tooth exam, he was deemed “ok but getting older.. and we can take blood tests if you want.” I tell them yes I want. They take the tests.. and he is having renal failure. His Kidneys are full of pollutants… explaining his lack of appetite, and increasingly stinky breath. Which smells like metal. I am sent home with all kinds of special dietary supplements and wet foods he is supposed to eat, as well as an IV to give him subcutaneous injections to help clean his kidneys out. We are told to bring him back to check his levels in 5 days. We do so, and thankfully his levels are dropping.

Things are looking ok until 2 days ago.. he turns his nose up to everything. Any food we do coax him to eat comes back up on the carpet. He still has energy, and loves going to the park and every morning he is running around outside and chases birds.. but he is not eating hardly at all. And we all know where that is eventually leading. Yesterday we began twice a day IVs again, and he showed some improvement. Today, he is back down again… throwing up EVERYTHING he puts in his poor sore tummy. He is so full of acid, he is choking on bile any time he eats anything… so naturally, he does not want to eat.

You know, you cannot tell a dog they need to eat in this situation. We are running out of options, and have to wait until monday to take him to a different vet for a second opinion. We are visibly quite upset.. he has seen us through very difficult times, inclusing the loss of my mother. He has always been reliable and friendly, smart and well behaved. And many of the problems that have plagued us for the last several years have finally gone away. We were counting on having this time right now to relax together, enjoy our aging dogs, and take it easy on stress and get going more on love.

We know he understands we are upset.. we cry for hours and blame ourselves for not getting him to the Vet soon enough.. not being smart enough to see and understand the signs of his failing health in time. He is still with us every day, and sees us cry. Jack the Dog does not understand the tears and the hurt feelings, but there he tries to comfort us and sit in our laps and gives us stinky kisses.

We get the feeling he really won’t be here much longer. Maybe a week.. with any luck a month or longer. We don’t know how to say goodbye, and know even when we must, it will be impossible to do so without extreme difficulty. Maybe moreso than I had with Mom dying, maybe moreso than my wife had with her Dad dying. He is our baby boy and has been for 9 and a half years. We were hoping to get maybe half again as much time out of him.. and that is looking pretty bleak right now. Bleak indeed.

Tomorrow we start again with IVs and Pepcid to calm his stomach and trying to get him to eat, but not so much it will make him sick. Again. We love on him and comfort him and do what we can to make him comfortable, and we are hoping with everything we have, nay, PRAYING… that the new vet will have some medicine or treatment that will bring back his appetite before we lose him just like we lost mom. If I only had more time.. even a year.. it would be enough. A week is never going to be.

Cross your fingers and toes for Jack the Dog, the very best dog in the neighborhood. Say a prayer and hope with all your might. We need the extra hands on deck.. we are exhausted. And if this week my mom chooses to take her dog back, I understand, she has been without him for 8 and a half years.. an amount of time I myself will likely never be able to bear without his love, or his stinky kisses.